Another page turns...

My mind has been wandering, as it often does before sitting down to write. It has been wandering aimlessly and without apprehension. As it wanders, it does not smile or frown; it merely observes. It is searching for nothing and expects too much. My mind travels alone, and it travels with little baggage. My mind is taken to unexpected places, and it is forced to revisit the past year of my life. This is only fitting, as today is the last day of the year. The last chapter of another book. The last page of that chapter and the last word on that page. Today is the last day that it is acceptable, in my mind, to return to the past. Tomorrow the acceptance will depreciate and any steps backward will be frowned upon. My mind will do the frowning in this case. As of right now, though, my mind continues to wander. I let it wander. I let it return to places it has been yearning to see again, and protect it as it wanders to places it should not go. I protect my mind like a mother protects her child.

My mind wanders through the different chapters that made up the past year of my life. This year was another book on my bookshelf. However, the title of this book is left blank. Not because it doesn't deserve a title, but simply because it does not need one. My mind wanders to the first chapter in this book without a title, and finds itself in a place of comfort and stability. Although this chapter brings contentment to my mind, it does not bring satisfaction. My mind sits there, without motivation and without determination. In the beginning of this book, I found myself with a great amount of structure. For some reason, however, I felt as though I did not belong. I was a swarming beehive on a mature oak tree. As I flip through the pages of this chapter I find monotony, but I also find peace. Unfortunately, monotony took over and left me with two choices: stay in this chapter forever, or move on to the next chapter. Since no one would want to read a book with only one chapter, I found it crucial to turn the page. And so I did.

After wandering through several chapters that lack connotation, my mind stops to rest. My mind finds itself in another significant chapter, but it is carrying luggage this time. It carries a suitcase full of lessons learned and valuable memories to be put in storage. It also carries an exceptional amount of determination that was picked up somewhere along the road. As it makes its way forward, my mind experiences the thrill all over again. The thrill of the unknown and the excitement of a fresh start. My mind is vulnerable, but does not show it. My mind is fearful, but powerful. My mind wanders a little more aimlessly through this chapter, but is amazed by every new experience. Something changes during this chapter that is indescribable. It makes perfect sense in my mind, but it is impossible to put into words. This chapter will be one that is revisited by my mind for years to come. I am proud of this chapter and the amount of pride continues to grow. Turn the page.

The pages turn faster than before. My mind flips through a series of small chapters that each hold different stories. Each page is turned with anticipation, and my mind gets a thrill out of it. My eyes are wide open and my heart is racing. The pages turn as if being forced by a strong wind but my mind is okay with this and sits back to watch. It views chapters filled with hard work, and others filled with relaxation. It also views chapters of fear and melancholy, but is relieved to remember that these were brief chapters. As pages turn, my mind recalls new adventures. It recalls seeing the unseen and doing what it thought was impossible. These chapters started as a random mess of emotions, but were quickly sorted as they were revisited. My mind is without structure. But that's exactly what it needed.

The pages stop turning. At the end of this book, my mind approaches what appears to be a few blank pages. After running like crazy through the chapters before, my mind finally stops to breathe. It breathes a deep breath. It remembers what it went through to reach these blank pages and it wonders what these blank pages mean. I quickly assure my mind that these blank pages are much needed and much appreciated. These blank pages are meant to calm my mind after all the wandering it did. Perhaps these blank pages are meant for pictures, as my mind gathered several throughout its journey. Pictures are scattered on these pages to remember a year of change.

The book closes, putting my mind to rest. Receiving the award as the most exhilerating one thus far, this book is placed on my bookshelf. It sits there, standing out amongst the rest, and is already longing to be read again. And it will be read again, when the time is right. For now, though, it is time for a new book. It is time for new experiences and more unknown. I am not typically one to make resolutions at the start of a new year. However, this year I may have to make an exception. This year will be taken day by day, step by step. This year I will only walk forward, but I will hold my past near my heart. Each day will hold different meaning, and each step will be taken with a little more pride. I will make no resolutions to change myself, only to better myself. And better those around me along the way. After seeing how quickly a year truly can pass, this coming year will be documented more precisly and enjoyed more diligently.

Looking back, I realize it may be hard to top this year. It will be difficult to surpass the levels of pure happiness and pure contentment that I experienced. It will be challenging to take on more responsibility and create more pride in myself. I am up for the challenge, however. I am up for anything. I will exceed my own expectations. I promise you that. I promise that to myself. 

Let's see what the year brings...and let's enjoy every second of it.

Home for the Holidays...

This day deserves a little extra attention. In fact, most of my days over the past week or so have been deserving of more than they received. I'm a strong believer in giving credit where credit is due. But when the days pass quicker than a freight train on an icy track, I have no choice but to give them their credit by simply closing my eyes and enjoying each moment as if it were my last. Today, however, I thought it would be appropriate that I check-in. It's time to get these thoughts out of my head and throw them into an unknown world of appreciation and sometimes even judgment. Appreciation is something I hold close to my heart, and judgment is left without much acknowledgment. If you were to step into my world right now, you would find that peace has taken over. I find myself to be at the peak of my happiness when peace arrives, and even more so when it decides to stick around for awhile. Call me boring if you'd like. But before you do, accept the invitation into my mind, into my life. My mind is an organized mess of emotions and thoughts that get sorted through on most days. On the days that they are not properly arranged, I find my mood to be lackluster. And in every effort to avoid this nonconstructive attitude, I make sure that my mind has me on track to be my happiest me. Happiness starts in the mind and from there it can become whatever you make it. 

I look around and smile as I sit here in this cozy home where I was raised. A soft blanket covers my lap and an over-sized sweater hangs on my shoulders. To my left sits quite possibly the perfect Christmas tree and behind me is a wall of windows that showcases a peaceful winter morning scene. A clock ticks for every second that passes and I hear my egg nog coffee being brewed in the kitchen. My nose is filled with the scents of Christmas; coffee, cinnamon, evergreen, and that warm smell that fills the house after days of baking. I have taken several mental pictures of my surroundings and plan to store them safely in my mind. I often wish I would have done this for every Christmas in my past. Each year would show a distinct chapter of my life. Each photo would depict different versions of myself and there would be signs of both growth and retreat. Some photos would be viewed with pride, while others would get shoved to the bottom of the pile to be viewed later on. Some photos would allow me to revisit those years in my past when Christmas was full of tradition and Santa still existed. Other photos would bring me to more recent years where my own traditions were beginning to form. Some photos would most likely deserve a good laugh, and others would be acknowledged as a learning experience. One thing is for sure; flipping through these photos would submerge me in peace and happiness. There would not be a shortage of love in these photos and the amount of my own love for those around me would be evident. 

I have a feeling my photo from this year will be slightly different from those in the past. I have a feeling this photo will be put in a frame and hung on the wall, exactly where it deserves to be. 

 

Time for a deep breath...

It's amazing what this time of year has the power to do to our mood. On a day when the freezing cold would normally leave people feeling a little bitter, there is Christmas spirit floating around and warm smiles are painted on every face I see. I would normally wonder what is making them smile, as random smiling is not typical. However, with the joyful holiday right around the corner, I do not wonder why they are smiling. And even if I don't know exactly why they are smiling, I know why I am. This is something that I always know, which makes me smile even bigger. Today is my last day in the city for a few weeks. Although, this is not what's making me smile. I do love my home and the life I've created here in Chicago, so my excitement doesn't come from leaving my routine. My excitement comes from my destination; home. I felt the biggest sense of relief at about 8:00 last night when my last class ended for the fall semester. I always love completing things, and checking things off my list. But there's something about putting another chunk of education under my belt that makes me feel not only relieved, but proud. 

I often wonder what kind of person I would be if I wouldn't have taken the leap to move here and finish school. I don't think I would be as satisfied, or as appreciative as I am right now. Even though I dislike living far away from my family, the time that I do get to spend with them is much more appreciated now than it was before. And not only that, but I appreciate my surroundings more than before, not only in the city, but at home as well. I never thought it was possible to soak up my surroundings as much as I have in the past 6 months. Somehow, though, I made it possible and am glad I did. My time here so far has changed me, there's no denying that. And even though it may not show on the outside, I certainly feel it on the inside. I've proven to myself and to others that anything is possible. If you would have asked me a year ago if I thought I would be here today, I would say absolutely not. And then I would most likely ramble off a list of excuses why I couldn't do what I did, why it was simply not possible. This is the case for many of us. But we all have that one thing in the back of our minds that we hope to accomplish one day. For me, it was moving to Chicago to finish my education. It was finishing the part of my life that was incomplete and unfulfilled. Please take my advice and take the first step toward your one thing that will make you complete. And I promise, you will become a better person in the process. I can't say it's the easiest thing to do, as I had bumps in the road that I thought would prevent me from continuing on this road. But you learn to simply step over the bumps. You learn that the bumps in the road are smaller than they seem at first. And you learn that if you don't get over the bumps, one way or another, that you will not be satisfied with yourself. For some reason it was easy for me, making a change. I never took the time to look behind me, until now. I wonder why it wasn't more difficult. I wonder how fear and uncertainty didn't take control of me along the way, as they often did in the past. But this thought quickly leaves my mind and I realize that it was meant to be this way. I was meant to do this for myself, for my life; this is why it was so easy to make the transition. 

Although this isn't my last post of the year, it will be my final goodbye to Chicago for the year. A goodbye to my favorite Starbucks, where I currently sit, sipping on warm coffee and watching the morning bustle. A goodbye to the Christmas spirit that will return to me as soon as I am home. And a goodbye to another chapter of my life, assuming a new one will begin after the holiday dust settles. It's time for a warm resting period with my family. It's time to soak up the joy of the season. It's time to take a deep breath, get cozy, close my eyes, and just smile. 

Christmas is in the air...

Today's post is way overdue. I mean extremely overdue. I wasn't sure if I would draw a blank when the time came to start typing, or if I would want to keep on typing for days on end. So far, so good...let's keep this going. You wouldn't think much could happen in a week's time, at least not enough to write about. That's not the case here, I assure you. The majority of my time over the past week was spent in front of a computer, typing and preparing three final projects, all of which exited my life yesterday. The feeling that rushed over me as they left is one of my favorite feelings in the world; completion. After having these things hanging over my head since I saw them written on the syllabus on that first day of the semester, they have finally disappeared. They are out of my hands and there is nothing more I can do with them. *Sigh* Now, the only thing on my agenda for the remainder of this last week of school is a final art project and 3 final exams. One of which will be about as easy as writing my name; this is my art class and the material is basically embedded in my brain since I reference it so often. The other two will also be a breeze, after some memorization of course. And as far as the art project goes, no problem! I'm actually anxious to get started on it this morning after I make my way to Blick's to pick up some needed supplies. My day will consist of drawing, painting, sipping coffee, and listening to Christmas music. Does it get any better than that? A much needed day of enjoyment after running around like a chicken with my head cut off for the past week; perfect.


Well, my walk here was bittersweet. The sweet part references the warmth of the holidays that surrounds me constantly, no matter where I go. The bitter part is meant literally, it is currently 13 degrees in the city. That doesn't stop me from getting where I want to go, though. I bundled right up and headed here, to my favorite Starbucks on Jefferson Street, a place I haven't visited in far too long. I blame my final projects for my lack of Starbucks; in fact, I blame my final projects for my lack of blogging too, just because I can. Anyway, let's get back to the presence of the Christmas season that I am currently enclosed in. Lights are hanging from nearly every tree in the city and those soft, upbeat tunes can be heard everywhere you go. This makes walking around the city in the bitter cold actually enjoyable, as crazy as it may sound. In fact, to get the full effect, listen to one of my favorite Christmas songs that I have posted below. As this is what I was listening to (on repeat) while writing this morning. Nevermind the cheesy (but cute at times) video...simply listen to the audio. And smile.


So now I'm leaning toward the "writing for days on end" side of my uncertainty that I experienced earlier. But don't worry, I'll try not to...so please don't bail. I was greeted with a surprise yesterday after returning from my night class, as if completing a few major projects wasn't enough to make my day. My thoughtful big sister (Shelby; I guess I should specify since I have a few of them) sent me a Christmas-themed package full of goodies and I can't even explain the amount of appreciation I feel for receiving it. I tore into that box like a kid on Christmas morning, smiling from ear to ear. Then the tears came. These were tears of joy, so I accepted them and let them continue to flow. Each item in the package was carefully thought out, and I knew exactly why she had picked each of them and what she was thinking while doing so. A few of the things brought me back to our childhood; the Lifesavers Sweet Storybook that we always got during the 12 Days of Christmas from the "Weatherman", also known as mom. And a copy of Home Alone, a classic and also a favorite of ours growing up. This brought a flood of memories from our extremely happy childhood that we are so grateful for. And I haven't stopped smiling since. 


Although I would love to write for hours and hours, I do have painting to do. My weekend is already occupied, so the majority of it needs to be completed today. Two of my favorite people (Mom and Dad) will come rolling into the city on Friday at approximately 3:00 PM. I will be waiting for them at Union Station and we will spend the weekend shopping, relaxing, and enjoying the city during Christmastime. I couldn't think of a better birthday gift for my mom, as her birthday is on Friday. You can imagine my excitement for their arrival, and I will be sure to fill you in on our adventures. 


I hope to not wait so long for another posting, but you never know what life may send my way. And remember, my mom said it's okay to only write when I feel that urge. And I always listen to my mom's advice. So take my advice and do something today that makes you your happiest you, no matter what it may be. After all, that is what life is all about.


The Weepies - All That I Want