Just exploring...

As I near the end of yet another chapter in this book I opened over 8 months ago, I can't help but think about what I've learned thus far. And when I say learn, I don't mean only the concepts and terms that I studied meticulously during my time here as a so-called college student (a term that I apply lightly to myself); but I think about what I've learned about this life that I'm so fortunate to be a part of, something that I rank much higher than any educational lesson or term in a textbook. Yes, I do realize the previous sentence was extremely long, but that's what I love about my writing, I don't have to worry about structure or precision; I simply start typing, and what I'm thinking is what you end up reading. I'm okay with it if you are.


So one thing I've learned is that it is possible to force a smile. There have been many days where a fake smile is the best you'll get from me; after all, forcing a smile is better than frowning and typically it does lead to a real smile after realizing how stupid my fake smile looks and basically laughing at myself. But, I've also learned that there should be no need to force a smile; it's something that should come naturally and come often. If this is an ongoing problem for any of you, I would suggest literally sitting down and thinking about what it is that makes your natural smile appear. I know every single person has at least one thing, one aspect of their life that brings on this smile. Incorporate this particular thing into your life on a daily basis, even if it means giving up something else. Trust me, it's worth it. 


I've also learned that the best things in life are free. Corny, right? But whoever came up with this quote or saying or whatever you want to call it, was a total genius. There is nothing, that I can think of, that is more true than this. Call me boring or lame or anything else you want to call me...but I find that the most joy in my life comes from the simplest things. Such as quiet moments alone when I do nothing but stare out my window. It comes from smiling at a stranger on the sidewalk, even if no smile is returned. I find that a lot of my joy comes from being healthy and active and taking care of myself (but don't get me wrong, it also appears when I get my hands on some chocolate). It also comes from working hard and getting things accomplished. I find joy in sounds and smells. I find joy in thinking and feeling. All of these these are free; the quote stands true in my case. 


Another valuable lesson I've learned is that fear is lame. Fear is just something that was made up to consume your mind and your time, and to keep you from doing the things that will really make you happy. After all, we usually aren't afraid of actually doing anything...we are afraid of the outcome. We are afraid of failure in the end and we're afraid of disappointment in ourselves. Take my fear of heights for example. I'm not afraid of standing on top of a 10 foot ladder; what scares me is the possibility of falling. Now, when it comes to my fear of spiders, that's different. In that case, I am afraid of the little creeps crawling on me and either nesting in my hair or crawling into my ear or some other extremely creepy thing that they have the opportunity to do. Yes, that is legit fear of both the action and the outcome. 


Moving along. 


Before I bore you to death with my lessons learned (as if I haven't already crammed enough into your brain), let me tell you just one more thing that I've recently learned. Forgiveness is essential, and it is possible.Your options must be weighed; if forgiveness leads to happiness then the choice is as clear as day. I've learned that forgiveness does not change the past, but it does create a better future... (thanks big sis). 


There is much more to be learned in this one chance I get at life. In fact, let's call it an exploration...I have a lot more exploring to do. 

Been here before...

It's a familiar feeling. It rushes over me like a forceful wave, sending me backward into a sea of known emotions and passion. I've been here before; or at least I'd like to think I have been. It takes my breath away, yet it allows me to breathe easy for the first time in a long time. My mind is swimming in this sea, being tossed around like a football on the playing field. It comes face to face with fear several times, but manages to escape these encounters and continues to frolic among happiness and comfort. The feeling is indescribable. In fact, it's not even a feeling...it's more than that. 


I take a deep breath, acknowledging every bit of air that fills my lungs. Release. 


So here I sit, in my little home that I've created for myself. A candle burns within eyesight and the sound of the fan fills my ears. Darkness takes up the rest of my current environment, and I am totally satisfied with that. Its times like this that make me think. Who am I kidding; I am constantly thinking...sometimes too much. This was never a trait that I was ever ashamed of, however. It's these carefree moments that really get my mind traveling. It travels to both explored and unexplored realms of my being, spending more time in certain areas and less in others. I've found that if I let it stay too long in some of these areas, it only leads to the drowning of my dark brown eyes in floods of tears. Yet, if I allow my mind to wander too far into the desirable areas, it faces potential disappointment and risks being wounded. Again. 


For now I let it wander, as I usually do. It's possible I will let it wander until it's time to rest and put an end to this beautiful day I've had. By that time my mind will be ready to shut down and prepare for whatever tomorrow may bring. 


A familiar feeling deserves a familiar song: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8w0NUYIoDm4

And a desired destination to dream about: 

Just hanging there...

Sometimes I feel like I'm just hanging there. Much like an icicle hangs from its point of origin. Although I'd rather not be hanging up high, as I am extremely afraid of heights. But perhaps I'm hanging from a light post or dripping from a window sill. Call me crazy, go ahead. Do it. Sometimes I feel like I'm standing still, not physically. But not emotionally either. In some other -ally kind of way that I haven't explored yet. Sometimes I get so wrapped up in the things that I aways tell myself not to get wrapped up into; stress, sadness, confusion, and the list goes on. Come to think of it...I'm not stressed (and hate when people claim their life to be stressful when it's actually not), I'm not sad (in fact I'm far from it), and I'm not confused about a damn thing. Sorry, but I'm not. See, that's the problem...sometimes the two halves of my mind just don't connect. For some reason my mind wants to think that I'm all of these negative things, and tries to make my life more complicated than it should be. But then the other half of my brain takes over and reassures my entire body that I know exactly what I need to do to be happy. In case I forget one day, and need to remind myself what I really want out of life...here's my list of wants:

• Finish my Bachelor of Arts degree...walk across that stage...and receive my diploma. (I'm getting there slowly, but surely. Graduation date: March 2012)
• Give as much attention to my family as possible. Phone calls, cards, emails, text messages. Whatever it takes...they are my number one. 
• Travel east. I will take the Amtrak to Vermont, rent a car, and make my way down the east coast, stopping whenever I feel like it, staying wherever I want to, and taking hundreds of pictures (that I will share, of course). I will end up in Washington D.C. and I will take the train home. Mark my word. 
• Volunteer where help is needed for a good portion of a year. I've always had a strong craving for making people's lives better. I just want to be selfless. 
• Fall in love. 
• Destination wedding in a beautiful country with green rolling hills in the background. Not somewhere hot or tropical. I'm thinking Scotland? 
• Make my way closer to home (after possibly living in a few random cities that I've always wanted to live in...one of which being Boston).
• Buy a cute older house that I (and hopefully husband) will fix up. It will be next to some kind of water, as this is what I grew up with and it brings me comfort. There will be a harbor nearby and we will sip coffee on our porch every day, looking at the boats. I'm thinking Traverse City...or Charlevoix. 
• Kids....eventually....maybe.
• Build a house. Nothing fancy...something cozy and comfortable. Preferably on Old Mission Peninsula in Traverse City. Wine country.

The list will continue...and it's possible that minor details could change. But that's my way of "sticking it to the man". Telling myself that I DO know what I want. There should be no confusion. No more standing still...I need to figure out what it takes to accomplish these things and go for it. 

The thrill of the ride...

The train is moving quickly. Its pace reminds me of the rate at which this silly thing called life passes us by, reminding me to soak up every second of this 90 minute ride north. I’m sure I’ve said it before, but there’s something about being on a train that makes me feel extremely relaxed and content. I’m thinking it’s the combination of the tempo and the speed of the train, mixed with the soft humming of the train rolling on the tracks. I also think there’s an aspect of surrender that thrills me; I have the ability to do nothing more than sit in the chair, staring out the window. Although my destination is clear, I have no worry about how I am getting there. And when peace replaces worry, it makes everything so much more enjoyable.

I’ve taken this road before, many times. However, I don’t feel as though it’s getting old. You’d think the monotony of it would cause a slight sense of dread at the thought of another train ride to Milwaukee; nope, no dread here. In fact, I try to avoid dread at all cost. I mean, even the word dread is far from appealing. It’s dead with an r, enough said. My main reason for hating dread is because it gets me nowhere. I’ve come to realize that dreading things only makes matter worse. I could wake up every single day and have a list of things that I’m dreading, both important and non-important, both big and small things. But what would that do; besides waste my time? Anyway, this train ride is the furthest thing from dread. I look forward to it every time and although I’ve seen the sights over and over, it doesn’t get old. There is no dread. Only thrill. 

Thrill rushes through me like the train goes speeding down the tracks. I'm hoping this triggers more frequent postings. Cross your fingers...and I'll do the same.